To Two Of My Soul Sisters.

I realized tonight how scarred our hearts have become.

_{This makes me (somehow) sad.}

I realized tonight how faithful hopefuls our hearts still are, despite.

_{:) And this makes me happy.}

Happier than sad.

:)

I Keep Getting Left Behind.

And I don't give a flying duck!:D

I try.:D

What I really want to do right now is get something heavy and heave it at someone... well, that's just me at this moment.

I won't do it... really...:D

I am such a fool sometimes...

This Error.

Sigh.

As that song goes... has to end... must now cease...

:)

I write my reminders on this blog so don't expect to understand it all the time.:)

Whoever you are.:D

November 29 Marker.

One day left.

Sigh.

With this as the only thing confused and confusing in my life right now...

I Am A Proud Bestfriend!:)

For my beloved ballerina and actress is now a wowing_!!! singer!

Ahihi.:)

Hear Hear!:D

Don't grumble, yeah!:P

November 28 Marker.

Finally!

A task finished!

I shrugged her off.

Then off again.

:)

November 27 Marker.

Earthquake.

Playful wind.

Restlessness below and above.

But the boys played in the middle.:)

It's Windsday!:)

On a Tuesday.:) And the boys came out to play with the playful wind.:)

I couldn't resist trying my hand at taking a video.:)

Ahhh....

Last song for tonight... found it!

"Go the Distance"

:)

One Thing About Me- More So Now.

(My "error" has always been my faith.

I try not to seek the bad, evil or ugly in people.

For I, too, have rooms for them.)

In as much as we all need to lock our evils in- so should we also not try to unlock others'. For we may end up feeling more unguarded than we think and feeling terrible- both for doing what we did and the post-effects of what we did.

As for people whose evils outweigh their good- lock them somewhere really far from you.:)

Always act in good faith and if evil manages to result from the act, deal with it with all the goodness you have inside.

You'll never feel sorry for that.:)

(And yes, I like this "error.")

I Miss Nicole.

She's the sweetest little girl ever. I used to teach her English but we both always managed to end up building dollhouses from cereal boxes and furniture boxes.:)

She'd always hug me and kiss my cheek and call out in the cutest voice, "Teacher Shoil!"

And when it's time to say bye-bye, she'd always pull my hand back inside and tell me not to go.

And while walking away, I would suddenly hear her running to me for a last hug.

Then one Monday morning, she wasn't in school anymore. Her mom took her away.

I didn't even get to hug her goodbye.

I've been missing her for the past two years.

November 26 Marker.

:)

Thinking too little is sometimes good.:)

Very good.

'nuf said.:)

November 25 Marker.

Uniforms.

Good movie.

Finalization of trip.

That's it.

So Much To Learn!

So much time and effort and resources that need our minds' "abuse."

Sometimes I catch myself pacing the rooms of my head, in utter helplessness for my mind's children cannot really run amuck in the space of reality.

There are sets of rules and laws that they can never really break in its realm. So, the source of my helplessness, I watch them longingly looking out of their windows at a world that can never really contain them.

Sigh.

Justification And Not Some Poor Goat That Gets Beaten For Somebody Else's Crimes.

I guess I needed to see that somehow.

I'm happy that My Lucky Star pointed at you.:)

Strange that a stranger brought about this new faith and confidence in the plan I have laid out.

I shall not feel guilty for wanting to be that unchanged space between afternoon and night.

Thank you, dear stranger.

Ah, My Lucky Star!

Perhaps I did start looking at the watches of every passersby.

So, I guess it is a good thing... I can twiddle my thumbs nga.:)

And, thank goodness, I brought a lot of books with me.

Thank you, dear dear Wook for the link.:)

Lucidity.

Honestly, most days my heart feels like it's going to burst out of me.

Because the longer I am kept waiting, the clearer it gets to me that he is weak. That my idolatry of him is the only thing that keeps him from being knocked down from that altar.

We are all composed of both strong and weak constitutions. We are all composed of the possibilities of either or both. But, it is a choice.

We all have fallen. From those things and people we held in high regard.

Will we forever love the taste of dirt in our mouths?

I say, I'm leaving that disturbed ground to be reshaped by that wind that will never know me.

November 24 Marker.

Oh "inconstant moon!"

You can sprawl yourself, do cartwheels, do somersaults, do nothing for it is a free playground.

And you know what, Shirley? You can do the same as well. :)

Sabi Niya Sa Akin.

Naduling mo raw ako.

Nabulag din ata.

Subalit ang dakilang bulag slash duling ay pilit pa ring minamatyagan ang pagbabalik mo.

The multi-tasking broken heart and eyes.:P

_{O-ha, Taglish ang lola niyo!}

I think the bed I woke up on was/is too wide. Hahaha.

So Be It Then: Not Out Of Restraint.

For for the first time in a long time, something came through.

And I'm admonishing myself right now.

This one's for me right now.

Not for you.

Enough Na.

No more talk. No more.

The terrible feelings always wash over afterwards.

The I should'ves.

No more. At least with the flesh and blood ones.

:) Besides, I can always just take a walk and have a -versation with myself, in my self.:)

What You Said The Other Day.

It is a choice, isn't it?

Dear dear, I'm waking up... almost wide-awake now.

Maybe she's right. Just leftovers. Throw them out or feed them to the dogs.

<sub>You are weak and dry.

Yet I stay for someone I'm beginning to think unworthy...</sub>

Suit.

I know a man who feeds on hearts.

Especially on the strong and true ones.

He loves to smack his lips in satisfaction at the end of every hurried meal.

Jeepney Musings.

How every kanto looks like the next one. Paved or otherwise.

I realized that I haven't seen a lot of children playing those childhood games that used to keep me and my playfellows always out of the house and used to keep us always in trouble.:D

November 23 Marker.

Thoughts of him and her in wild abandon.

Thoughts of weak men being justified by my own admission that sometimes I am weak, too... so I should cut them some slack.

Thoughts of my hopeless romantic bestfriend who believes love is a choice. You do or you don't.

Thoughts of me finding what Ti' Don and Rose have.

Thoughts of things that are not really as big as they seem...nor as small. :)

November 22 Marker.

Something "new"... I'm sad today.

I'm sick today, too.

That's it.

November 21 Marker.

Talked with Dondon- very good conversation. I missed him.

And his Discovery Channel/Oprah/Trivia pursuits, haha.

I still can't wait for this month's end!!! Whoohooo!!!

Bestfriend, I AM phenomenal.:D Egotistical, too, but I don't really care. Haha.

I still feel like sunshine all over! Except this time I'm cartwheeling, too!

Oh, Mel made me laugh about that who cannot be redeemed anymore. Haha, I love my bestfriend!

That's it for today.:D

November 20 Marker.

Wow, ten more days to go.

Uneventful day.

Cuddles and a sleepy good morning.

Felt "sad" because of Nick Joaquin.

But felt "happy" because of the same man, too.:)

Constantly thinking of that expected trip at the end of this month.

Can't wait to see him.

Can't wait to see them.

Can't wait to wear my legs out when that day comes.:)

November 19 Marker.

Dragging day.

His addiction continues.

Really hot night, woke up with my pillow quite drenched with sweat.

Late-night cheerleading for a soul sister.

Stand-in therapist.

Watched an advanced movie screening.

November 18 Marker.

Children with their dreamy kites.

Had a very playful wind who gladly played with the village kids.

They painted a very pretty picture with the sunflowers.

Still amazed that I can still see that distinct mountain from my home... though I'm a couple of miles away. The locals call it "susung dalaga"... meaning "maiden's breast"... too bad it's only one... but one breast will suffice I guess. Haha.

Young girls chewing and sucking on unpeeled sugarcanes... childhood memories...

Yeah, I am still happy! Can you believe the power of it?:D

Shirley Darling.

Sigh. My hair coming down because of the wind. Green all around. And make-believe the river of my childhood is not the wasteland it's become now.

Yes, my old methods of daydreaming have come back...

I kind of feel out of place in them... though strangely at home at the same time.

After all, I'm just retracing steps that have already been taken a long time ago.

I love myself. I love what I have worked for to be in the place I am now with myself.

My Beloved.

Something alarmed me and made me want to cry tonight.

This self-imposed search of yours is making me start to forget about you...

I saw a photograph of you and I realized that you are slowly turning into a stranger.

I'm trying hard to hold on to you. But you are turning into fine sand without me realizing it...

This waiting heart, perhaps in reality, is already tired.

Still... I'm sticking to my stubborn nature.

My error had always been faith.

So be it then...

Who will kiss my mouth?

Hold my hand?

Sing with me?

Dream with me?

Philosophize with me?

Laugh with me?

Hunt bookstores with me?

Visit museums with me?

Take long walks with me?

Tell me I'm beautiful?

Read to and with me?

Dance with me?

Swim with me?

Agree that all things change but we'll try our best to remain steadfast?

Sometimes I think I'm such a fool... most of the time, I think otherwise.:)

Call It What You May.

I literally feel like those women who stare back at the world now... from their perch... from their portraits.

Am I of flesh and blood? Or have I finally convinced myself that I, too, can be deserving of a framed waltz of oil?

(At least this is how it feels like inside of me.)

Daily now, for quite a long time running already, I feel like a never ending celebration is always being held... with me as the hostess and the solitary guest...

And all night, I dance...:)

November 17 Marker.

I felt weary.

Almost got into an accident on my way home.

I'm glad it was an "almost."

Heart's more reinforced... this is always a good thing.

The mountains of my home are my weekly therapists.:)

I can't believe I'm already halfway with my markers.

I got time in my hands. I am in no hurry so I can spare myself for now...

The Hopeless Sap That I Am.

I feel so alive. I feel like my heart is ready to burst out giggling.

I think it's all those old movie clips I've been watching lately.

Kelly and Astaire, especially, tug so strongly at my heartstrings... and at the sides of my lips, too.

I feel young and hopeful and happy and free from worries again.

I love saying it: I am happy.:)

November 16 Marker.

Caught myself daydreaming a lot of times today.

Beautiful sunset to end the week.

I got two sick kidneys. _{So much for being a water addict.}

Aww, Bianca touched me with her blog entry.:)_{Did we really say multiples?} Hahaha!

My posts have been bleh lately, but I don't really care right now.

This is my space...

It's comforting to know the certain extentions that let me afford such...:)

I'm happy.

Happy is always a good thing.:)

Weather's Not The Only Unsettled One.

How an animeish video got posted on my blog, I just can't begin to comprehend right now.

I just love the DELETE button!

Now I can blog the one I meant to blog about...

November 15 Marker.

He's not invincible. Darling, go.

Two soul sisters in distress.... rub-a-dub-dub.

Wet, windy day.

Quite lonely, actually.

Music as my only companion.

He kissed me in my sleep- while I was sleeping.:)

November 14 Marker.

Full of daydreams.

Three men in my head... I am so polyamorous right now. Haha.

Late-night chat with Bianca... well, kinda late-night.:)

Very tiring but very good day.:)

She finally has a blog!

I'm in very good spirits- this end of the day.:)

Haha, apparently... count the smileys...:)

Nothing profound today.

But happiness is profundity in itself... so I guess, that's that then!:)

November 13 Marker.

Bestfriend in distress... three women in a tub, rub-a-dub-dub...

Uneventful.

Unwanted thoughts warded off quickly... gahd.

Anatomy and Physiology Highlight, at least.

Hope for a better day... or at least, one as "good" somehow.

November 12 Marker.

Ran out of water.

Night talk with an old classmate.

Almost freaked my own self yet again.

Erwin said he'll hug me forever.:)

Lessons with Chuck again and of his head-bashing incident... right, almost got me there.

Word game with Rai... I backed-out... kulang sa carbs.:)

Getting better... :)

Editing chords.

Sunshine and fading rays.:(

November 11 Marker.

Trigonometric happiness all around;)

Lighter.

Last lunch with an old playmate... perhaps.

Madonna fever!

That's just about it...

Haha, Highly Public Form Of Getting Even.

I like that...

"Doesn't smell half as good as you do... if you know what I mean..."

Timeless indeed.

Maybe, like her, I will one day treat is as some kind of a sick song.

Except that right now, I am 19.

So here I will stay for now... but time will make the numbers shift.

^^ I bask.

November 10 Marker.

Quick cup of coffee.

Footwork. A very good one.

Haha, wonderful conversation and sound tripping.

Swamped with calculations.:P

Uneventful. Quite uneventful.

November 9 Marker.

Sleep was victorious.

Lighter somehow.

I was thinking last night: "Ill turns..."

Eight years of buried memories... forcefully-exhumed.

Hmm... and I wonder if salakot means anything right now to anyone, except for one.;)

Late into the night- conversation.

So glad of it.

It felt good. I felt trusted.

Damien Rice's "9 Crimes"> My Current Crime: (Is Being) Upload-Happy Today.

Damien Rice is one of my husbands... Haha.

I'm polygamous.:P

I can't help it, he's such a damned good musician and lyricist... and I am a sucker for men like him...

Sigh...

Pause For A Moment Of Drama.:P

Because I need to self-cheer with a cheerless-sounding song...:)

November 8 Marker.

Has it really been this short a time?

Well...

Gene Kelly, Bryan Adams, Richard Marx, Joni Mitchell and Santana kept me company today.

Wrote and wrote apparently.

Last class didn't push through.

Got a singular hit that made me feel both guilty and smug.

I asked myself: "Shoil, is that the evil you?"

Too bad the answer I got was: "Right. Dare to dream, softy."

Try not thinking for the next few days.

See where that leads me.

I Am The Great Mistress Shirley Waiting.

Whenever you tell me you love me and that you want me to stay, I feel both elated and ready to bleed at the same time.

For words are words no matter how reassuring they are when they are uttered.

This pain that I speak about in jest sometimes... is not at all funny. There is no humor in here.

But what else am I to do if seriousness drives you away?

If seriousness drags me deeper into the tunnels of dark thoughts?

I falter sometimes in my resolve to keep myself wrapped up in silence.

But sometimes, the silence escapes me.

Brief release...

Sigh... but the self-admonition that follows...

Dare I speak of it...?

What You Said.

That I hide in metaphors.

I hide in them because what business is it of the world to know the whos, the wheres and wherefores of my speck of a life in the infinity of space?

Besides, metaphors make me bleed less but still stay here to remind me of the marks I have made in my quarter-life. Or one-third of a spent-life as my statistician friend said. I'll take his word for it.

I dare not tell the details of the deceptions, happinesses, heartbreaks, madnesses, confusions, anxieties (and such) that have passed and are passing through my life... at least most of the time anyway... for I do not ask for anybody's allegiance nor judgment.

I simply ask for the release of saying the things that are begging to be let out of my soul.

Dearest Joni.

"I met a woman
She had a mouth like yours
She knew your life
She knew your devils and your deeds
And she said
Color go to him, stay with him if you can
Oh but be prepared to bleed"

And bleeding I am...

Daily...

Emma's predicament perhaps...

But this poet will go back to being a poet...

For now, she still can take it.

Life's end does not tempt her but makes her laugh in its face...

And makes her shake her head at herself...

Oh silly one...

Reminder.

Remember the Latin.

The key to everything you changed today...

November 7 Marker.

Toughest one yet.

I told myself: Write another song, love. One that speaks of turning yourself inside out and shaking out all the dust that have gathered inside of you. Scare the ghosts away from the halls of your being.

I realize, I am strong.

I realize I am wonderful.

I realize I do not need wings to rise above this overrated pain on this plane.

Temptation: Heed the call of my limbs.

Love does not deal pain that it is aware of...

... I mean, the lover professing love does not deal pain he or she is aware of dealing...

November 6 Marker.

Joni Mitchell yet again.

Trying for a second one.

Waited yet again.

Fighting sadness.:)

Got more reasons to be happy.:)

Uneventful day.

Flash of doubt but dashed that already.

Started on "Neverwhere" and I am convinced more than ever that I should steal him from his wife.;)

Why The Rush, I Thought.

I have an entire lifetime to see where my steps will take me.

I am not afraid anymore of what cards I’d be dealt with.

I have myself now and I sit in the comfort that at least I won’t be abandoned by myself.

And this is more than enough to face each day with the most positive of outlooks.:)

November 5 Marker.

First day on a strange bed.

First day in a strange bathroom.

First long afternoon nap in a very long time.

I think the man I'm gonna marry will be one lucky ass.^^

Water-hunting.

Bugged everyone on my Y!M.^^

Nobody answered back, damn. Haha.

It's all bearable now.

One day at a time, Shirley, I tell myself...

Joni Mitchell fever!

The Bravest Scared Girl That I Am.

I just finished my first-ever original composition.

And, heck why not, I'll be posting it here soon.^^

Weeee! Sunshine all around!

We Sing Because...

... when words dance to a tune, they make us feel more noble. The humblest of words is lifted up in idolatry... if only for but a few beats...

November 4 Marker.

My first song ever... great cause for celebration.:)

Chuck and cliques.

Food is beginning to find its appeal again.

Intermittent pain.

Late-night texting with two relevant individuals.

Some Old Journal Entries.

While waiting for my sister a while ago, I reread my old journal... it's not that old actually as I haven't even filled it all up yet but while reading it I realized that there were so many entries that I actually forgot all about.

Whilst reading I got reacquainted with old joys and pains. Old anger and jubilation. The things that have carved themselves on the trunk of my being.

Hmm... I forgot the point I was working towards... Hmm...

Haha, good or bad, I am not here to complain about what are now had-beens.

Sigh, eventualities... I am where I should be right now.:)

November 3 Marker.

Old stuff into a new place.

Toted five bags.

His RPG fever.

Longer minutes before the sternum attack.

A healthy reminder from Janice.

Six-hour wait into the dawn for the seat I have now.

Reread my journal... naturally: realizations.

November 2 Marker.

Lone show with four gangly boys.

Tall cup of coffee.

Conversation with an old friend.

Conversations with old friends.

Two minutes upon waking without the sternum attack.

A plastic box full of clothes and kitchen stuff.

A tin box for intimates.

And a basket made for girls.

Encouragement from two people somehow...

November 1 Marker.

Mother of my beloved niece in my room, talking.

Long talk under the trees, crunching leaves under my heels.

First skull punch.

Will try to stay on the road I finally saw.

(Sigh, and the mighty beer failed. Haha.)